Balance

 

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Greetings, my sweet friends! I bet you might be wondering why I haven't yet posted this week. The truth is I began writing on Tuesday, but have been pulled in so many different directions that I just couldn't squeeze in. This time of year is usually one of the busiest for me, which undoubtedly keeps me on my toes.

I'm blessed that many people choose to start their New Year with a consultation with me, and that I am able to bring love and light to those looking for guidance for the year ahead. While it fills me with such gratitude to know that my work is appreciated, and supported, it can sometimes be difficult for me to manage my personal life when I have the responsibility of an increased number of readings.

Feeling a like I needed a reprieve, I held the intention of having a *down* day on Monday. I hoped for a day to just chill, and a chance to casually float through the day, spending it wherever my Spirit would lead. 

I ended up spending most of it talking on the phone to several beautiful friends, enjoying a long lunch with my adorable husband, and making a quick trip to the art supply store. Even though I was kind of on a mini-break, my phone remained glued to my ear as I managed to take calls, and book appointments in between filling my basket with new paint brushes, watercolors, and blank white canvases. 

I came home to greet the girls at the bus stop, picked up Allie from soccer, and took care of a few more loose ends and errands. At the end of the afternoon, I gathered the girls and created a little painting space in our backyard for us to escape from the hustle and bustle of their busy school day. As I began to dabble with my new painting supplies, I began to reflect on the need for more balance in my life.

I began thinking about this blog. This unique opportunity to be vulnerable and to share.

I wondered, "How it might feel to freely admit when I am yearning for more balance and peace in my own life?"

Do I feel safe enough to *talk* openly my own vulnerabilities and the stuff I am working through?

As my paint brush stroked the stark white canvas, my eyes filled with tears thinking about how challenging life can sometimes be. I felt an intense sense of pressure about how torn I sometimes feel between my work and my duties as a mother.

Not just as a mother, but as a human being...living in this heavy reality of the earthly world. I thought about how emotionally exhausting it can be to keep up with all that's going on in a given day.

The million little thoughts of all of the responsibilities that I was neglecting (okay, totally and purposefully hiding from!) in order to be creative and to nurture myself. All of these feelings of inadequacy began to fill my mind. I felt overwhelmed thinking about the never-ending list of things I still needed to do.

I thought about how dirty my car was (and still is), the minimal boxes of girl scout cookies that I lack~lusterly sold, the phone calls to friends and clients that I have yet to return, my ill grandmother that I've haven't seen in over a week, the empty pantry that still needed to be filled (I put off going grocery shopping for days), the dental appointments that needed to be booked, the bags from my last trip out of town that are still sitting on my bedroom floor, the thank you notes that I am late in sending out, my commitment and need to earn philanthropy hours for a Charity League, the overdue library books waiting to be returned, and all the other things that I am pulled to do in any given day or week.

The inner-dialog of whether or not, it's even possible for me to be everything I yearn to be for everyone who *needs* me began to weigh heavily on my heart.

I then thought a lot about a personal issue that seems to be a re-occurring theme for me, and one that has been recently surfacing. It's similar to that age old debate about whether we, as women can truly have it all. You know, a full-fledged, kick @$$ career...and a beautiful family life, too?

Even typing this sends me into a weird place. It enters a territory that makes me really uncomfortable. It's a sensitive subject, and definitely a "shame trigger" for me.  It's the kind of issue that makes my heartbeat fast, my cheeks turn red, and makes me feel like there are a million butterflies swirling in my belly. It's the sinking feeling I get when I begin to question whether or not I can handle all that has been given to me.

I wonder at times, if I can truly keep all the irons that I have in the fire going...not just going, but going strong.

I'm guided to share this experience with you, because I guess in some ways, it's a part of my own healing and growth...

Recently, during a week when I was feeling particularly overwhelmed, I received a letter from an old friend.

The letter was quite crushing to me, because essentially it said, that I had disappointed my friend by not having the time to nurture our friendship. She expressed her feelings in a kind, and loving way, but her words were still piercing to me. She gently wrote, "Friendships are things like plants, animals and people.... they deserve time, and attention. They need water and light not just love to make them grow."

What stung me the deepest was knowing that her experience of feeling neglected, was not something that I haven't heard before. Her feelings echoed the voices of many other important people in my life.

It hurt to read her words. They sank into my heart with a deep heaviness and regret. It pained me  because mostly, I knew it was true.

Even with pure intentions,  and my strong efforts to be as balanced as I can be while being a medium,mom,wife,daughter,friend,sister,friend,blog-writer,film-writer,teacher,student ,etc, it didn’t mean that I hadn’t disappointed someone that I cared deeply about.

Those who are closest to me, and know me well...know how difficult it can sometimes be for me to maintain my balance, and keep my head above water. When I get overly stressed, and overly committed, I sink. I sink faster than heavy rocks cast into a shallow pond.

I'm lucky that my friends and family love me enough to call me out, and that they have the courage to remind me of my own "stuff".  They all know my habits, and can easily see my un~serving patterns when they sometimes surface. They know when I would rather hide, or when I begin to shy away, and when I begin to practice the classic, "Elizabeth Avoidance Technique".

They (my children especially) provide me the perfect opportunity to look at the areas of my life which aren't always working, and help keep me grounded in a really loving way. Thankfully, they act like some kind of secret, universal force of unexplained emotional gravity which always pulls me back to center. They know my potential, and where and when I may fall short...and they aren't ever afraid to tell me. 

As my girlfriend wisely wrote, "I do believe that feedback is something to look at and ask ourselves... is that how I want to be seen? If the answer is no, then I get to change so that I can be seen as I wish to be."

With that said, I'm taking a long, hard look in the mirror...and realizing that I don't always like what I see. Rather than showing up to those that I love, as a disappointment, I choose to show up differently. Even if it means cutting back in other areas of my life so that I can create the time and energy that is needed to be more nurturing to myself, my family, and my friends, I will honor that need, and make the necessary changes.

As much as I want or try to, I know that can't please everybody all the time. So, knowing and appreciating this, I am taking a personal inventory and beginning to restructure my life. I am drawing my little lines in the sand, creating new boundaries, and seeking more sustainable balance in my life. I'm learning that it's okay to say "No", and then doing my best not to feel bad about it when I do.

Needless to say, this week has been one of great healing and reflection. My heart remains open, and I am again finding the courage to look at the less than attractive parts of myself, in an effort to change and to become better. A better mom. A better wife. A better friend. A better medium. A better everything.

I got the message the universe was sending me. I heard it loud and clear. I appreciate the feedback from my close circle of family and friends, and have more than taken it to heart. I love them all for being my messenger(s).

While, it's not always pretty seeing those darker places of our own souls, (much less writing about it for the whole world to see) it's often the most liberating. With self-patience, forgiveness, and love (and a few quiet afternoons spent painting in the backyard), I trust that I will find my stride again.

It’s always been my joy to serve the world, and with the same big heart, it’s also my joy to serve my family and my friends.  Learning to walk the tight rope stretching between the two is something that may take me a while to comfortably…and fearlessly do.

Creating, maintaining, and living life in balance is an art that will take practice. For the times when I do slip, I take comfort in knowing, trusting, and believing there's a golden net just beneath me, ready to catch my every fall. Perhaps even hanging from the lips and gentle whispers of my forgiving family and friends...

With a humble and healing heart,

Comments

[Heather Hildebrand]

Well , I must say that I was divinely guided here today, and now I know why. I have been writing about this very same topic...so it feels good to connect with a soul who totally understands the depth of feelings that accompany a loving but many times overwhelmed heart that has the desire to accomplish all. This is our journey, our path and our lessons. How does one give all that they hope to give without depleting that source of power within and strength within that somehow must stay nourished.
I had to laugh when I read about you picking up painting supplies. For over a month now I have been guided to do the same thing for myself and Dalton and Demi.....yet I have let that neverending list of things to do divert me from following the guidance to nurture myself and enjoy the creative process with my two beautiful loves. It is hurtful to think that we miss out on opportunities to connect with the people who we dearly love. It is also disappointing to look back at choices I have made that may not have been the best. Choices made because I thought that that person would UNDERSTAND because they know my busy schedule ect.....and there will be time later to catch up. Most times that opportunity has to be created, scheduled and made important, for those neverending lists are just that NEVERENDING.
I guess my purpose for this response is to validate for you that you are not alone.
I too am one of the multi-tasking lightworker, mother, wife , daughter , friends who has not always had the time (made the time ) to not only connect with all of those I love and nourish those relationships BUT equally important , not taken the time to nourish my own inner light and soul. AS I have often heard said we must pencil ourselves in on our calendars with all of the other important to do's and appointments. If you would look at my calendar now you would not see me on there at all. This however CAN change as you wrote above. So rather than look back at past perceived failures I look forward with you to what waht the desires of my heart are. Balance .......the word feels peaceful. So with that being said, I hold the Sacred Space of BALANCE and PERFECT PEACE to reside within and around you.
Remember that you are a Blessing!
Much Love, Heather Hildebrand