I will never forget getting the call and hearing the news, while I was standing in the guest bathroom of my old house. I was drawing bath water for the girls when I fell to my knees in grief. I was shocked. I had chills. I had just talked to her only 2 days before her passing. I went over our conversation in my head, again and again. Did I miss something? Some kind of clue that I should have noticed to warn me that it was going to be the last time that I would ever hear her sweet voice?
My heart sank. I spent the afternoon curled up in a tiny ball, and crying out to her.
Why...
Why...
...would you take your own life????
In 2004, I was blessed to meet Rochelle while doing my spiritual work. She was a gorgeous 30-something year old who had gotten my name from a friend of a friend. I'll never forget the first time she came into my office and we connected with her loved ones, angels, and spirit guides. I was immediately struck by her gorgeous blue eyes, her impeccable presence and perfectly streaked golden brown hair, and the beauty she radiated from the inside out.
As I listened to her angels and delivered their messages of love, I realized quickly that she was a woman with a huge heart, and one who I would come to deeply respect. We easily laughed together, while also shedding tears, and hugged tightly as our first meeting came to an end.
Not soon after that session, we met again. I came to absolutely adore her. My face would light up when I would look down at my schedule and I would see her name penciled in for the day. After working together closely for many months, she humbly asked if I would commit to mentoring her spiritually in an effort to help her develop and explore her own intuition. She was so excited about her spiritual growth and curiosity, that she began to block off two-hour appointments on a frequent basis, holding the intention of honing her own psychic skills. We got to know each other in a really special way, and soon after we began our mentoring sessions, I considered her to be not only a client, but also a friend.
Over the years, we spent countless hours together with her curled up on my couch and me reminding her of her amazing connection to Spirit. Her heart was wide and open...searching for answers. Even though she was an practicing attorney with an analytical mind, she embraced the metaphyshcial concepts that we often discussed, and dedicated herself to listening more and more to her angels and spiritual guides.
From my perspective, I could see that she was on the brink of a huge soul-shifting transition and life transformation. Our conversations were full of hope, possibilities, and unconditional love. In her last session, ironically enough, the person who was booked before her, had just lost her husband to suicide.
My appointment with the woman ran a little late, and I apologized to Rochelle for keeping her waiting. When I explained that sessions dealing with suicide, are different than those of natural passings, she began to ask me questions about what happens to the souls who choose to end their own life. We had a frank discussion about how ending one's life early, doesn't forgo the lessons needed for the souls evolution. I explained that be it in a physical body, or a energetic one...we still have to move through the process of learning. I shared that from all the work that I have done with those Spirits who have crossed themselves over, that it had left me with an understanding that we don't escape the pain that leads us to that choice. We went on with her session and talked about the personal details of her life and love.
Fast forward. It's now the day that I received news of her passing. I'm now lying on the floor of my bedroom, crying uncontrollably. This is a day that will forever be etched upon my heart, and still puts a lump in my throat. The moments and days after I learned of her suicide, were excruciating for me. I felt personally responsible. I felt like a failure. I questioned everything. I questioned how our angels and guides could have set us both up for such heartache and sorrow. As painful as it was to ask, I even wondered..."What did my *work* really mean in the world?"
Was I ever going to be able to make a difference? To heal hearts...bring peace...create comfort...and share a message of hope with others who, like Rochelle, were still searching for answers? I was filled with doubt, deep disappointment, and despair. I yearned to know if in the moments before her death...if she thought about our lengthy sessions, conversations, prayers, intentions, and experiences?
I held on to the last conversation that I had with her,and felt grateful that I was able to tell her that I loved her and supported her, despite the rough time she was going through and just moments before she was to enter into a rather intimidating legal deposition that had her rattled. Looking back, I now know that our last conversation was quite possibly one of the greatest gifts that my guides have ever arranged for me.
It was the last time that I would hear her voice in the physical world, and thankfully, the words that I last shared with her were filled with love, strength, and support.
Not long after her death, I called out to her...hoping that I would receive a sign, but nothing happened. Not a thing. I asked over and over...again and again...but still...nothing.
I went to my office frantically, to see if maybe she had left something for me before she died. I checked my voice-mails, emails, mailboxes...but always felt the same heaviness and sadness when they would come up empty. I would call her phone to be comforted by her voice on her voice-mail recording.
Even weeks later...I still hadn't received any strong validations of her presence with me...or anything to let me know that she had been touched by all the earthly time we had spent together.
The only thing that really caught my attention was that I kept hearing the Rolling Stones song, "Wild Horses". It seemed that everywhere I went, it would be playing. I looked up the lyrics, absorbed the message, and realized that she was indeed sending me a message.
I was just beginning to realize that our work together hadn't been in vein, and that she hadn't abandoned me the way that I may have thought. It was slowly sinking in to me that even though she had chosen to end her life early, that our time together mattered.
I continued to pray for validation that she had taken our time together to heart, and that in the last moments of her life...that she hadn't turned her back on all that I had tried to share with her.
Just when I let go of trying to chase the validations of what our work together had meant...something happened.
It was a random Saturday afternoon, and I was hanging out with the girls grabbing lunch after a soccer game at an end of the season team party. My cell phone rang and caught my attention, but I didn't answer. I was in a loud, kid-friendly restaurant and I knew that it wasn't the time for me to book an appointment, or try to have a conversation over the phone. Once we finished the celebration, I listened to my voice-mail and checked my new messages.
On the other end of the phone, I heard a deep and desperate male voice who mentioned Rochelle's name. He was apologetic that it had taken him so long to call me...and expressed that it was imperative that we speak. My heart raced just hearing her name. It had already been over a month since my journey of grief had begun and now out of the clear blue, here I am receiving a message from someone close to her that hoped to speak to me.
As I pulled into our driveway, David gathered the girls into the house and got them settled. I created a cozy little space, sitting in the front seat of the surburban and dialed his number. He answered immediately. From the first second we spoke, it was intensely emotional. He proceeded to tell me that he had been searching for the courage to call...but had been afraid. What he shared with me next, will stay with me for the rest of my life.
He said, "Elizabeth, I need to read you something". On the other end, I could hear the muffling sounds of paper being crinkled. In a trembling voice, he whispered to me that Rochelle had written a note to him before her passing.
In the note that she left, she left explicit instructions for him to contact Elizabeth Picone...and pleaded with him to be in touch with me. She explained to him that after she was gone, she would use me to let him know that she had arrived safely in Heaven, and had ascended to a place of love and forgiveness. She left him with all of the information needed for him to find me, and assured him that I would help him find peace after her tragic passing.
Tears streamed down my cheeks as I listened to him read to me her letter, while sitting my car. My heart was in a million pieces, thinking of her pain and hearing her last words that were coming alive off the page.
As sad I was, I also felt an overwhelming sense of comfort from her. In many ways, I felt this moment was the validation that I had been searching for. It brought me peace knowing that despite her painful choice, that she had not totally turned her back on the light and love of her angels.
In the last moments of her life, she still held on to the belief that her soul was eternal, and that although she would transition to a different dimension...that she knew and trusted that her consciousness would survive.
As if my hands were being directly guided by her, I grabbed a pen and paper and began to connect with her energy. Without even asking for permission from the man on the other end of the phone, I began to blurt out the names of the many spirits who were ready to talk. Rochelle was the first and strongest energy to come through, and lovingly told me that his late parents also wished to bring messages of healing and hope to the grief stricken soul who had bravely contacted me.
Without any preparation, or any planning, I sat for hours in my car channeling the energy of my dearly missed friend. My wrists moved rapidly across page after page as I filled my spiral notebook with loving validations of Rochelle's sweet spirit.
For many moments the only sounds heard were the scribble of my pen, my gentle whispers of her messages, and the sobs of her now eager, but once skeptical boyfriend crying into the phone. Her energy was so strong, and powerful that for almost 2 hours I shared intimate details of their long relationship, and many things that no one else except the two of them would have known.
In the letter she wrote just before her death, Rochelle spelled out two specific validations that she told him that she would use to prove to him that she was in fact communicating through me. It was only after I mentioned these two special details, that he really began to open his heart to believe. Not only did she reference those specific validations, but she continued to give him sign after sign to help him trust that she truly remained by his side.
She also offered me many supportive messages which helped to assure me that the time we had spent together had not been a lost cause. Her messages helped me to release the guilt that I carried that I had somehow failed her. Our impromptu conversation filled my heart with a new-found sense of hope for her souls spiritual ascension and offered me a chance to finally put to rest the doubt that I felt about whether or not my *work* had helped to shine light into her life..even in the midst of the darkness that surrounded her.
In all the years that I have given readings and the thousands of sessions that I have participated in, the experience of channeling her is one that I will always remember. It's a memory that I will always hold dear, and hope to never have fade. It's an understatement to say that I received tremendous healing that day. A piece of my heart was put back in place, as I no longer questioned her presence over me. So many answers I had been searching for were clarified for me, and I felt more connected to her than ever before.
My heart was filled with a deep sense of knowingness that she was in fact, *okay* and that in truth, she was still working with me. Everything that we dreamed about doing and creating together in the psychical world, would still be possible...albeit with her in Heaven. Our commitment to explore, inspire, and experience the magic of Spirit hadn't changed...only the way in which we communicate did. For certain, we are still learning, growing, healing, and teaching together.
I hope you always keep whispering your words of wisdom, guiding by your gentle spirit, and filling our universe with your incredible immortal beauty.
With deep friendship,forgiveness, and love,
P.S. Here are a few special websites that I'd like to share in her honor. Survivors of Suicide is an important resource if you are coping with the loss of someone you love. Please remember...you are not alone! The other is one of Rochelle's favorite charities, The Houston SPCA. Being the animal lover that she is/was...a donation made in her name would make her proud. :-)
